I have a very dear friend who is constantly amazing me. She has a lot on her plate and manages to write an incredibly thoughtful and insightful blog on top of everything else going on in her life. I am humbled. Honestly, I don’t know how she manages all the balls she’s got up in the air.
I have just finished reading a book that she recommended to me about Brooke Shields’ journey through post-partum depression. What an eye opener! While reading it, her inner voice of post-partum depression sounded almost identical to the crummy inner voice I had listened to just after Andy was born. I can’t tell you how terrifying and sickening it had been to feel the way I did at the time. I’m so thankful that I had a very mild case and managed to come through it okay. But I can understand how it is completely out of one’s control whether or not they ‘pull through’ the darkness.
I find it difficult to admit, even to myself, how bad things had been. I recall driving along a section of River Road where many years ago a colleague from an airline I had worked for at the time, had gone off the road and drowned. The thought had occurred to me at the time that it would be so easy to just slip off the road… This was just one of many occurrences of these terrible thoughts. I will not elaborate on the others. As Brooke had said in her book, she had envisioned terrible things happening to her little Rowan, I had also envisioned terrible things happening to baby Andy. I’m just so grateful that time is over – although the post-partum depression can occur at any time during the first year after delivery. Theoretically I’m not quite out of the woods yet. My doctor questioned me about post-partum depression when I took Andy in for a checkup – perhaps I shouldn’t have dismissed his enquiries so quickly. Maybe he could see something in me that I wasn’t acknowledging.
Anyway, now that the lousy inner voice has stopped and my own inner voice has returned, I hope to begin functioning a bit better. If I can achieve half of what my close friend is accomplishing I’ll be quite happy.