My sight seems to be worsening a little bit. I’ve found that I’m enlarging text on my computer screen this morning and I’m having a lot of difficulty seeing certain colours like pale blue and yellow. Stupidly, I considered taking a picture of my screen thinking that it would show everyone else what it looked like to me. Silly thought! In the meantime, I know that the designers of web pages expected users to be able to see the edges of boxes, scross bars, etc. without straining, but I can barely tell that they’re there at all.
This past weekend, I took Daniel camping with his scouting group. Overall, we had a blast, but I had a difficult time over the weekend explaining why I’m unable to drive, unable to see my son running from across the field, why I’ve been panicking when I’ve lost sight of him. How do I tell people that I hardly know that I have vision problems likely related to MS? How do I answer their thoughtful questions and comments?
It worried me that I’m anxious when Daniel runs free with the other children. I do panic, I do fret. I try not to let it show, but I went searching for him several times this weekend in a slightly panicked state. It’s just not fair to him – can he sense that I’m feeling overprotective, that I feel like I’m not able to look after him? An 8 year old shouldn’t have to deal with their parent’s anxieties and troubles.
I don’t want to become the “strange half-blind crazy mother” of the group. Can you imagine? Terrible. Somehow I need to cope with this more appropriately. All I can think of is that I’ll get used to my situation over time and learn to cope with not being able to see my children from halfway across a field. I just can’t imagine ever feeling complacent about losing track of my children when they’re actually nearby.
Also troubling at the moment is that I’m feeling confused or at a loss for words more than I normally would be. I’m having a difficult time retrieving appropriate words to describe my thoughts. I felt overwhelmed yesterday when cleaning up the kitchen area for inspection by the camp caretakers. The list seemed to be a mile long and I just couldn’t figure out where to start. Really, cleaning a kitchen? How hard can it be? I hope that I’m not going to lose my mind in all of these troubles. Losing my sight is one thing, losing my mind is another, completely different ballgame. I’m becoming increasingly worried that something terrible is coming soon. I can’t put a face or a name to it, but it’s coming regardless. God help me.