Yet another entry waiting in the wings. This one is much more recent though.
Have you ever felt like you’ve been lost for a long time? I mean, really lost with no sense of true identity or purpose? Like nothing mattered, that you were just treading water until your real life began?
Recently it has felt like I’ve awoken from a long slumber. For example I haven’t been able to sort through a particular pile of paper for four years. Normally, I would love to sort through this pile. I’ve never been challenged with making decisions on what can stay, what can go and what needs to be filed where. This particular pile has grown from the singular to the multiple, morphing into boxes full of crap. The boxes have been bothering me, summoning me to deal with them. I’m tired of moving the boxes around my craft room. So, today I sorted through about half the pile. I feel slightly better and look forward to tackling the rest of the heap.
Why haven’t I been able to deal with the mountain of paper? Four years is a long time to let something build. While I will never really know, I think that my brain has been in survival mode, coping with an increasing number of lesions for a long time and it just couldn’t cope with something that had no direct bearing on my day to day functioning. Perhaps my brain has been fighting MS for longer than I thought. Can it be possible that Copaxone is responsible for my dramatic changes, both physically and emotionally? Can I hope that things will improve further in the near future?
I am so relieved to be starting to feel like ‘myself’ again. It has been such a long time. Who knows… maybe next year I’ll be able to manage making/buying proper Christmas gifts for people, rather than impersonal gift cards and tackle some things around the house that a normal family would have already taken care of (hanging pictures, decorating, playing in the yard, you get the drift).