Earth to Left Hand, are You There Left Hand?

Okay, I’m having a difficult time admitting to myself that I’m losing control of my left hand. I haven’t told Daryle about how bad it is and I haven’t informed my neurologist. Everyone at work is in the dark as well. Whenever I think of mentioning it, I stop myself. This one is terribly difficult to deal with.

I can still type, although my fingers are stumbling across the keys a little. How can I describe how they feel? It’s like they’re suddenly in unfamiliar territory, or as though the air has become quite dense. My grip isn’t very good either. Over this past weekend I kept dropping things. You name it, I dropped it.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a little afraid to tell my neuro about it. I don’t know if I can handle the feedback. On the other hand, what if this is the real deal, another damaging relapse? If that’s the case, then I should call right away in case I need to go on the iv steroids to minimize the damage. Pardon me, but BLOODY HELL!
Having this is so inconvenient.
In addition to feeling less than graceful, I now need to fill in extra paperwork to continue with my medication. My benefits company has advised me that my coverage will cease in April if I don’t apply for assistance from the government. I understand that they’re trying to minimize the impact of the costs on their plan, and I also understand that threatening to cut people off their meds is probably their only leverage for getting the forms completed in a timely manner. Regardless, it feels like someone somewhere is thinking that I’m taking advantage of the situation. That I’m racking up the exorbitant medication costs on purpose. Yes, I really, really want to inject very painful, acidic medication every day. It’s so much fun and I’m so glad it costs so much – about half the cost of our mortgage. Yes, this is what I want.
Even though I whine and complain about it – I will fill in the form and continue to jump through the hoops. What choice do I have? I should feel privileged that I have access to the medication, that I will continue to have coverage once I complete the necessary paperwork. Can you see my radiant smile? No really, I’ve talked myself into feeling better (quite frankly I’ve talked myself into getting my head out of my rear).
Sigh. Gosh I’m whiny these days.

About Christine N

I'm married to Daryle, Mom to two wonderful boys - Daniel and Andy.
This entry was posted in everyday musings, ms and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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