To say I had a difficult time with my shot on Sunday is an understatement.
Why was it so difficult? Perhaps it was because it was my 100th shot. Perhaps it was the fear of the pain that rises like a flame about fifteen seconds after the shot. Perhaps it was in fear of the injection being extra painful – injections into my thighs often don’t go well (either too deep or too shallow, both of which result in pain for the entire day). All the “perhapses” aside, wrapping my mind around potentially having to do this each and every day for the foreseeable future is likely what tripped me up.
A few seconds after my injection, the dreaded burning pain began. At least the meds didn’t bubble up just under my skin like they did last weekend. I managed to limp in excruciating pain down the hall, put the clipped needle in its disposal container, grab an ice pack, limp back down the hall and laid down on the bed sniffling. Sniffling rapidly descended into crying. I guess the pillow didn’t quite muffle my sobs – after a few minutes Daryle appeared at the side of the bed. When he asked what was wrong, I replied with “I just can’t imagine doing this every day for the rest of my life…” sob, sniff, sniff. What a self pitying mess I’ve become. Picking up a piece of clean laundry from the heap on the bed, I blew my nose. See? Self pitying mess doesn’t begin to describe the wreckage of the person that was once me.
Daryle’s reaction upon witnessing my despair surprised me: he didn’t get cross, he didn’t walk away. He just laid down and cuddled with me – didn’t even jump up when the sobs subsided. He didn’t offer any comments or empty reassurances that things will get better. Somehow he knew that I didn’t need pity or false hope, I just needed comforting.
Eventually the boys appeared and began to climb on us, happily refocusing our attention.
An afternoon spent at Daniel’s wind-up soccer party and the final game of his soccer tournament continued to buoy my mood. We took Daniel to the Jaegerhof for a celebration dinner – he stuck with his team for the entire soccer season!
My mood descended again as we listened to the radio on the way home – my future again confronted me. A program about MS was discussing two theories: that MS is due to a vitamin D deficiency and that a “cure” might be had by having the CCSVI liberation treatment. As I’m on the fence with regard to both those topics, I thought it would be of interest to listen. The documentary’s patient had said that five years ago she’d been diagnosed with MS and her life hadn’t been significantly impacted by the disease. However, debilitating pain had set in over the last year, forcing her to leave her job and move back home to receive full time care from her mother. While I’m sure the rest of the program was very interesting, I was unable to focus. I kept wondering if that was what my future held. Disability, pain, dependency?
Ultimately time will tell what my future holds. Until then I guess I’ll do my best to keep the beast at bay: keep “shooting up”, devouring my kale smoothies and trying to maintain as much normalcy as possible.