I’m feeling cautiously optimistic that the Copaxone is starting to work. I’m starting to feel a little more energetic – I don’t mean that I’m wanting to start running or that I’m able to manage anywhere near the things I used to do. By energetic, I mean that the mountain of dishes and the landslide of clean laundry aren’t as overwhelming as they were a month ago.
I’m also happier. Shh, don’t tell anyone. I feel like I’m jinxing myself by saying it, but the other day, I caught myself smiling. Really! With my mood for the last couple of years being rather low, I’m startled to feel happy. Like my energy level, it’s limited. I still find myself staring absentmindedly at a speck on the kitchen table, or barking at the boys, but I’m finding that these bleak ‘spells’ aren’t quite as frequent as they used to be.
I’m also beginning to acknowledge some of my limitations. Perhaps I should rephrase that as: I’m focusing my time and energy on myself and my family – not items in need of repair. For years I’ve been holding onto things, saving them for when I have more time and energy. The phrase “I can mend that later – I’ll just tuck it away for now” has clearly been my mantra for quite a while. My craft room, bedroom closet and various drawers around the house are testaments to my collecting and stashing abilities (interpret as visions of delusion). After a lot of soul searching, I’ve come to terms with letting go of my idea of such an industrious and creative future – my future ‘that was’. Does that make any sense? My future ‘that was’ existed pre-multiple sclerosis diagnosis. That future had been full of nice little do-it-yourself projects and whimsical dreams. But, you know what? The diamonds-in-the-rough that I’ve been saving aren’t what I’m going to want to do when I have spare time or energy. I don’t want to spend my precious time fixing, staining, sanding, painting. I want to spend my time with my family, friends and good books.
So, with it being junk week in our area, I’m going to be lugging a lot of things to the curb. Goodbye rattan patio set. Goodbye, rescue heroes play set. Goodbye… really, the list would be so long and so incredibly dull that I would fall asleep typing it, and you would, in turn, fall asleep reading it. My time would be better spent scouring the house for things to lug to the curb. I am also throwing away things that I cannot do anymore. The opportunity is long gone for me to finish my wedding needlepoint (yes, I know – that was almost 19 years ago and I’m still not even halfway done). My vision will not be returning to its previous clarity and I won’t at any time in the future be able to complete the fine stitch-work of needlepoint. Into the bin it goes!
All these years, I’ve felt guilt and remorse for not making the time to work on my precious wedding needlepoint project. In hindsight, I wish I had made the decision years ago to deep-six it. It’s not the needlepoint that’s important, it’s our relationship. The needlepoint isn’t a symbol of our marriage – our wedding bands are.
I’d love to hear your stories about moving on, accepting your future or letting go of items that have been holding you back.